Reasons for T.A.ing

I should just take a print-out of this and put it up in my office

 

weekend drama!

Lately, my mother’s been dropping a lot of hints about “bhalo cheleys” (“nice boys”). She never really spells it out. It’s usually a little tangential talk…x,y,z uncle had come over and he asked, “meye’r biye deebi?” (“want to get your daughter married?”) and that there’s some “bhalo cheley” (“nice/suitable boy”) in the US. And she’s always careful to mention that she never encourages the sundry relatives. She dismisses the marriage query with a ‘it’s her life’ or ‘I don’t think she’s thinking of marriage right now’ statement. And I don’t doubt her. My mom’s never hassled me about marriage. Even when I was on the verge of the Big Three, single, and back to studies, she never once dropped the so-what-about-shaadi.com hint. And I’m sure she doesn’t encourage any of this ‘bhalo cheley in US waiting for your daughter’ business, but I also know my mother. If she genuinely didn’t care, she wouldn’t be even mentioning it. It’s not that she doesn’t like J. She adores him, but she loves her daughter more. She just wants to make sure I don’t get hurt. And after all the drama this weekend, I don’t really blame her.

Have you ever dreaded your worst nightmare coming true? You know the one in which you forget to wear clothes and walk into the streets stark naked? Well, it doesn’t happen, right? Your worst nightmare never really comes true, right? Err. Well, unless you have amazing luck like I do. I had always dreaded that J’s parents will hate me. I don’t really have too many points stacked in my favor. I’m not a Mallu. I’m not a Christian. I’m four years older. I have a constant battle with the bulge. I knew all hell would break loose. Even J knew. But we weren’t really thinking of dealing with it right now. He was planning to tell his parents sometime next year. I knew there would be drama, but it was going to happen next year, right? Not right now. And then maybe once they meet me, and once they find out I’m ready to convert (Well, I’m not really 110% okay with that, but hey, if that means less drama, and if that’s the only way his parents are going to come around, then I’m more than okay with it), things would have been fine. But guess what? His mom knows. And she pretty much hates me. And no, she hasn’t asked him about me. At this point, it’s almost like a Bollywood script.

So, after my marathon grading session on Wednesday (a record 19 hours straight!), I just came home and crashed. I woke up in the wee hours of Friday morning, and there were five missed calls from G (my best friend in Bombay who also happens to be J’s very good friend). So I call her, and after the “Where the hell were you?” scream, she asks, “What messages have you been sending J?” to which I reply, “You know, the usual.” And by now I’m completely bewildered and confused. There is a pause, and G says in a very reassuring voice, “I don’t want you to get all worked up and freak out.” By now, I’m getting a lil’ worried. I just ask her to spit it out. There is a pause, a rather long pause. And then…”His mom called me up. She knows about you guys.” I just manage to mutter a somewhat muted “okay,” and the obvious follow-up question, “What did she say?” Well, the entire conversation wasn’t about me. J’s mother just didn’t call G and start interrogating her. The “So, does he have a girlfriend? Is he in a relationship?” question happened two minutes into the conversation. G obviously feigned ignorance. And then the obvious “So who is _ _ _ _ _?” question to which G explained I was just another of J’s friend from the college gang. And I wish I can pretend that the rest of the conversation just didn’t happen. But unfortunately, it did. “So if she isn’t his girlfriend or lover, then why is she sending him such filthy messages?” Nooooooo! You got to be kidding. His mother read the sms’s I sent him???!!! This can’t be real. This only happens in Ekta Kapoor soaps, or a really bad dream, right? This can’t really be happening. But it did. And his mother pretty much hates me!!! (This not my hyperactive, overfertile imagination, but the calm, practical G speaking!) And her last remark to G was, “I don’t care who he’s in a relationship, or who he marries, as long as she’s a Christian.” That wasn’t news, but it’s convinced G that my willingness to convert is not promoted by only gooey, mushy ardor, but also practical compulsions.

I’ve been told that it was my stupidity. When I know he lives with his parents, then I should have been careful about the kind of text messages I send him. But how the freakin’ hell would I know that his mother will read his sms’s? Trust me, if I had any inkling, then I would have made sure they were all sanitized, vanilla messages. But hey, I was sms-ing my boyfriend, and no, we do not have a platonic relationship. But still, it doesn’t make the queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach go away. This is not how I would have wanted his mother to find out about me. Not thanks to ‘filthy’ messages! Hell, no!

I’ve also been told that maybe I should think of it as a blessing in disguise. (My darling mom trying to calm her daughter’s frazzled nerves ) His mom said she read quite a few of the messages. She came across one, and after that had been keeping tabs. And J, being the dodo that he is, obviously had no clue! Arghghghghgh! So, if some random girl is sending her son lovey dovey good morning messages every day, then I guess mommy dearest would figure out that there’s something cooking, and that maybe sonny darling also sends random girl lovey dovey messages! Which means that his mother knows. But she hasn’t asked him, and she requested G not to tell him that she’d called her up!? All very dramatic and extremely Bollywood-esque!

I called up J and gave him the news. He was in a ‘WHAT? OH SHIT!’ shock for some time. Then he spoke with G. And then we had another talk, which is when I lost it. It was stupid and maybe I should have been less of a drama queen. But me being me, how could I not indulge in some drama? So, the man’s first reaction was, ‘Shit, we have to be more careful,’ which pissed me no end. Here his mom thought of me as someone with deplorable morals (and pretty much hated me!), and all he could think of was how to keep it under wraps. I felt he was trying to sweep me (and our relationship) under the carpet while what he should be doing is talk to his parents. But I keep forgetting that his relationship with his parents is nothing like what I share with my mother. They have a rather formal relationship, not the kind where he can just sit and chat, and tell them about his girlfriend. I know he needs time. He needs to figure out how (and when) to tell his parents. I can’t just rush him. I’m not the one who has to deal with the drama. I’m not the one who has to face the fire and the ire. He’ll figure out when best to tell his parents. But I also feel he’s being naive about it. J kept reassuring me that when he explains to his mom, and when she does get to know me, her opinion of me will obviously change, but somehow I just can’t buy it will be that easy. Maybe he isn’t being naive. Maybe he knows how bad it’ll get, which is why maybe he doesn’t want to rush it. I wish I had a looking glass, or a crystal ball. I want it all to be over…all that drama, but right now it feels so strange and uncomfortable. His mother knows, and he knows that his mother knows, and yet, everyone’s feigning ignorance. ASG remarked that I’m forgetting what a ‘typical’ Indian parent reaction can be, that not all parents are uber-cool, westernized, and urbane, that it’s not atypical for an Indian parent to go through their son’s sms’s. I didn’t want to argue incessantly about how that’s not true, how my mother is not westernized or urbane (though she totally is uber cool!), but I realized I might lose the argument. Unfortunately, in this debate about what defines typical Indian parents, the rule might outweigh the exception.

I love J. And J loves me. And I know we’ll make it. Today when mom dropped yet another ‘bhalo cheley’ hint, I asked her if she likes J. When she said that she loves him and she thinks he’s perfect for me, but she wants me to be happy and she’s worried, I told her what I keep telling myself…”If we are meant to be together, we will be.”

And it’s not just his parents. There’s also the question of my career. Unfortunately, my PhD qualifies me for very niche job opportunities, but that is something we need to work out. And I’m sure we will. There has to be some place on this freakin’ earth where we can find jobs that we’ll both be happy with, right? I am worried about it, but it doesn’t quite worry me to the extent the whole J’s parents’ scene does. He is anyways not too close to them, and I would hate to be the reason that drives yet another wedge in the relationship.

When I think of ‘us’…me and J…everything seems perfect, and then I think of everything else, and it seems a Herculean task Yes, I know I’m being pessimistic. I’m a control freak and I worry incessantly. Which is why I need J so badly because he never gives up, he always has this belief that everything will work out, we just need to figure out a way. And when he says that, it makes the Herculean task totally doable, and puts a smile back on my face

P.S. I know I’ve said the Mad Momma rocks, but reading her posts makes me feel so much better, especially when I have to contend with my future MIL hating me!